Installation of Radial probe EBUS and Cryoprobe recently in our lab marks accomplishment of my vision of 2004. Now, I have all that I had dreamt! Although, there is a sense of achievement, yet the feeling is mixed!
When I started to visualize myself as an independent pulmonologist, I felt I was working in an ill-equipped department. I had the zeal to do much more than what was feasible with my existing armamentarium. I felt I should be able to do much more for my patients rather than just identifying their problems and sending them off to other places. I felt that my sense of self-esteem would be better served if I was able to resolve their issues. The greatest limitation I saw was availability of the equipment.
When I voiced my opinion, I was gently rebuked for yearning like a child. I was given scientific arguments as explanations for the lack of enterprise on my senior's part. People who were big names brushed off my demands citing lack of proven efficacy. I was, but, somewhere convinced and I thought, I needed to wait till more evidence accumulated. However, when the same people who cited lack of proven efficacy, soon bought the same equipment for themselves, I realized the double standards they had! My conviction grew stronger. I somewhere became confident that my thought was not wrong. I understood I needed to wait for the right time. I gradually learnt, one needs to have infinite patience and perseverance.
Over the years, I learnt the process of procurement and it's nuances. Gradually things started to become favorable and as I started achieving results, my morale was boosted. I started getting co-operation as people realized that my intentions were good and my understanding desirable. I started achieving the results that I wanted. My patients were really being benefitted. I could bring the most advanced and expensive modality to the poorest section of the society. I could see my efforts were making a difference to the lives of the under privileged patients who had put their faith and their lives in my hands. I was playing the role I was supposed to and that gave me great work satisfaction.
As I started becoming better equipped, I started facing other limitations. I was working like a one man army. I started missing a good and cohesive team. As I progressed, the need to get further trained became obvious. I made efforts and got myself trained.
Science and nature, both evolve continuously. As I progressed, I realized the discipline was also progressing. Though the pace of my development was not bad but as I reached the end of the road, I saw it was only a turn marking the beginning of a new pursuit. I was happy to begin my next lap with sense of achievement in my heart. Today, when I look back I am pleased to see the distance that I have travelled. However, it also dawns upon me that the peak 20 years of my life have gone!
Shall I continue my pursuit with the same zeal as long as I can? Or shall I consolidate on what I have achieved? Shall I hone my skills and try to perfect the art that I know or shall I continue to learn new things and try achieving new vistas. The realization that my physical and mental faculties will not permit me to learn new things easily for long is scary! Am I aging faster than I should or is it denial of facts? I feel motivated by younger people achieving new heights but am I being unrealistic? Shall I pass on the baton in this relay race of development and view the achievement as a team member rather than having personal goals? But then where is the team?? Where are those team mates? Am I myself responsible for not developing the team or are these the circumstances as I believe?
Then there is a life outside the professional sphere! I have certain responsibilities that only I am supposed to fulfill. Has the time to focus more on life and less on work arrived? Do I have enough sense of achievement to move on? In future will I feel that I achieved my potential or will I narrate my story as 'Had it been........Only if .......'?
Only questions...no answers!
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