Homesick at home

I am feeling homesick today

at home!

Feeling is same as it was 

thirty five years ago  

in the hostel

away from my father!

My dad

had key to all the problems 

just being with him

and everything was easy!

First time I had this feeling

the day he dropped me to the hostel

and told me that he would return 

in few hours,

I knew he always kept his word

he would be back sooner than he said

but he didn't turn up

each minute of the wait 

was an inferno

and then my uncle turned up 

to fulfill my needs

I was devastated to see him

as I knew he always kept his word

Dad met an acccident

on his way back from the hostel

but all my worries were gone

when I talked to him on phone

all was well, nothing to fear!

Thirty five years later

I again had this feeling 

when he messaged me 

from the ICU

he said he was going and bade good bye

I broke down

as I knew he always kept his word

I called him back, I could

and told him that he was not going anywhere

he didn't contradict me

he always followed me as a physician

but then wrote a letter

and went far away

so far that I couldn't call him this time,

he always kept his word!

He believed in prayer, in piety

In his Pooja Room, in temples

he prayed to the deity

so that God took care of us,

he would ensure that the idols were 

never unattended!

Today, the deity lies unattended,

nobody to take care of the God,

Lifelong 

was God taking care of him 

or was he taking care of the God?

This home

which  I never left

where I always lived with him

this home

makes me homesick today

this home

without my Dad

doesn't feel like home

home, where is it??

This home

that he built

that he built for us

for us to live

and be without fear or worry

this home

is blessed

this home

this very home 

is where the home is

and he is there

within us

this home

is the temple

and we are both

the devotee and the deity

and he is there within us

both as the devotee that he was

and the deity that he is!

He is here

with me

just need to recognize

the divine light.

अमर बेल

ये बेल अभी सूखी नही है

ये बेल कभी नही सूखेगी,

क्योंकि इस बेल की शाखाएं हम

आपस मे जुङे है!

हम इसकी शाखाएं, इसके पत्ते, फल, बीज है,

हम मे इसका अंश प्राण है, 

हमसे बहुत सी नई बेले जन्म लेगी,

वो हर बेल इस बेल को जीवंत रखेगी!

हम सबकी अथक अटूट ऊर्जा से

ये बेल अमर रहेगी!

Slaughterer rain

Some other day,
I would have fallen in love
with this cool breeze,
Light drizzle falling on lush green trees,
Would have looked like pearl, the drops on the leaves,
From my hectic schedule, it would have felt like a breather,
But today I hate, I abhor, I detest this weather!
These drops look like tears of blood,
The small puddles look like sorrowful flood,
Today can not forgive this murderous rain,
For killing an innocent brother,
a saviour gone in vain,
We just pray
for we don't know
how to prevail over
this agonizing pain!!

किसी और दिन
मेरा मन मोह लेता
झोंका ये ठंडी हवा का,
ये मंद-मंद बारिश कि फुहार,
नयी कोपलों पर बूँदों का मोतियों सा हार,
मेरे मन को फिर से रोमांचित कर देता
किंतू इस मौसम से धृणा होती है इस वक्त
यह पानी प्रतीत होता है भयावह रक्त,
कैसे आनंद देगी ये हत्यारिन वर्षा

साँस में संत्रास

न हवा, न घटा,
तिमिराच्छन्न सकल आकाश,
हर साँस में संत्रास,
प्रचुर प्रकृति अक्षम देने में स्वांस
आसन्न प्रलय का आभास !

धुंधलका एक ठहरा हुआ,
भय और गहरा हुआ!

क्यों शोर है इतना
है किस बात का उल्लास

मत छोड़ो पदचिह्नों में प्रांगार
हो अंकित धरा पर पदचिन्ह बारम्बार,
भूगर्भ का ईंधन न हो प्रदाह,
चर्म प्रच्छन्न चर्बी करो स्वाह !
अल्पव्ययी हो, प्रकृति की ऊर्जा मत व्यय करो,
केवल स्वयं में समाहित 

Being a fool keeps alive the hope

One often needs to be stupid to be optimistic!
If one has inculcated the habit of being pragmatic, it may become very difficult to think out of the box. Prudence reduces one’s risk taking capacity or to take a chance where odds are against. Sometimes, one faces a situation where logic and science do not offer any hope. At that time, being doltish can come to one’s rescue. Hopelessness can push one into dark and deep realm of depression and wisdom stops one from being hopeful. In such circumstances, being ignorant, uneducated or simply foolish can keep one’s hope alive and serve as an anchor. 

Ooty

This trip was very different in certain terms! Usually we plan and finalise our trips much in advance. On this trip even 2 hours before the flight I was asking my wife, whether we were going or not. We, especially children direly needed the break, but my father-in- Law’s health was definitely a priority where we didn’t want to take a chance and we had left it to destiny.
This post is a proof that we embarked on the journey. We took a taxi from Coimbatore to Ooty to cover the 90 kilometres in 3hours, that costed us 2500 Rs. Unlike Delhi, Sedans were not fitted with CNG and so had sufficient boot space to accommodate all our 4 strollers. Coimbatore is a suitable airport as one can reach Kodaikanal in 4hours and Ooty in 3hours, in opposite directions. Time did not permit us to visit the Adiyogi statue of Lord Shiva in Coimbatore that is the latest attraction of the city. The route to Ooty is via Mettupalayam and Coonoor. Mettupalayam has an adventure water park, where one can spend many hours if one reaches before noon. The toy train or the Nilgiris Mountain Railway, made famous by the song “chal chaiyyan chaiyyan” of “Dil Se”, can be boarded from here to Ooty.  I am aware of two other Toy trains or hill trains in India: Shimla (http://deshdeepakwritings.blogspot.in/2016/06/a-man-without-ambition-is-dead-man-but.html) and Darjeeling (Batasia Loop). By train or road one reaches Ooty via Coonoor, that has many sight seeing places!
Ooty is known by the sobriquet,’Queen of Hills’! It is definitely the queen of Nilgiri hills that form a garland between Wesstern Ghats and Eastern Ghats. I have mentioned in some details about various mountain ranges of India in my Pachmarhi blog (http://deshdeepakwritings.blogspot.in/2014/10/pachmarhi-caves-foresthills-waterfalls.html).
Ooty is the nickname of Ootacamand as the place is known in the Toda language. Now called Udhagamandalam in Tamil. Ooty seems to be a classic example of how the british colonisers, came here looking for a cooler place to be made as their summer capital; removed wild forests and started plantation of commercial crops they needed.
We reached with a mixed feeling as many people had conveyed to us that after having visited so many other places, we were not likely to find it exciting. We had booked a hotel online provisionally and that is what came handy as no other place was available due to 4 days long Easter holidays. Kids were disappointed but we had no choice. Next day we didn't get a cab and managed to reach the Botanical Garden hitchhiking!

The turn in the road of life!

Installation of Radial probe EBUS and Cryoprobe recently in our lab marks accomplishment of my vision of 2004. Now, I have all that I had dreamt! Although, there is a sense of achievement, yet the feeling is mixed!

When I started to visualize myself as an independent pulmonologist, I felt I was working in an ill-equipped department. I had the zeal to do much more than what was feasible with my existing  armamentarium. I felt I should be able to do much more for my patients rather than just identifying their problems and sending them off to other places. I felt that my sense of self-esteem would be better served if I was able to resolve their issues. The greatest limitation I saw was availability of the equipment.

When I voiced my opinion, I was gently rebuked for yearning like a child. I was given scientific arguments as explanations for the lack of enterprise on my senior's part. People who were big names brushed off my demands citing lack of proven efficacy. I was, but, somewhere convinced and I thought, I needed to wait till more evidence accumulated. However, when the same people who cited lack of proven efficacy, soon bought the same equipment for themselves, I realized the double standards they had! My conviction grew stronger. I somewhere became confident that my thought was not wrong. I understood I needed to wait for the right time. I gradually learnt, one needs to have infinite patience and perseverance.

Over the years, I learnt the process of procurement and it's nuances. Gradually things started to become favorable and as I started achieving results, my morale was boosted. I started getting co-operation as people realized that my intentions were good and my understanding desirable. I started achieving the results that I wanted. My patients were really being benefitted. I could bring the most advanced and expensive modality to the poorest section of the society. I could see my efforts were making a difference to the lives of the under privileged patients who had put their faith and their lives in my hands. I was playing the role I was supposed to and that gave me great work satisfaction.

As I started becoming better equipped, I started facing other limitations. I was working like a one man army. I started missing a good and cohesive team. As I progressed, the need to get further trained became obvious. I made efforts and got myself trained. 

Science and nature, both evolve continuously. As I progressed, I realized the discipline was also progressing. Though the pace of my development was not bad but as I reached the end of the road, I saw it was only a turn marking the beginning of a new pursuit. I was happy to begin my next lap with sense of achievement in my heart. Today, when I look back I am pleased to see the distance that I have travelled. However, it also dawns upon me that the peak 20 years of my life have gone!

Shall I continue my pursuit with the same zeal as long as I can? Or shall I consolidate on what I have achieved? Shall I hone my skills and try to perfect the art that I know or shall I continue to learn new things and try achieving new vistas. The realization that my physical and mental faculties will not permit me to learn new things easily for long is scary! Am I aging faster than I should or is it denial of facts? I feel motivated by younger people achieving new heights but am I being unrealistic? Shall I pass on the baton in this relay race of development and view the achievement as a team member rather than having personal goals? But then where is the team?? Where are those team mates? Am I myself responsible for not developing the team or are these the circumstances as I believe? 

Then there is a life outside the professional sphere! I have certain responsibilities that only I am supposed to fulfill. Has the time to focus more on life and less on work arrived? Do I have enough sense of achievement to move on? In future will I feel that I achieved my potential or will I narrate my story as 'Had it been........Only if .......'?

Only questions...no answers!